In Spite of Myself
by Kitty Bandit
Summary: To save his and Lavi's skins, Bookman makes a deal with the Noah. Now, they've left the Order and are recording the war from the Noah's side. But Lavi can't forget about his former comrades, or shed his 49th persona. With guilt eating away at his insides, Lavi sets himself on a path of self-destruction, and the only one who seems to care at all is the last person he expected.


Lavi stood against the wall, carefully watching the proceedings and logging each instance in his memory. Between the smoke from Bookman's cigarette and the stabbing annoyance of a migraine attacking his left temple, he wasn't sure how he had managed to keep his face as expressionless as he did. With arms crossed over his chest, he focused on the meeting. He'd seen at least twenty different gatherings like this in the month he'd been on his new assignment, but today's topic stung worse than the others.

The Noah were making plans to capture Allen Walker – the Fourteenth.

Lavi clenched his jaw tight, hoping to distract himself from his own thoughts. Bookman had struck a bargain to save their skins, giving the Noah a few scraps of information that they had wanted, and switching sides of the war in the process. They had given up their Innocence, forsaken the Order, and returned to their true allegiance – the Bookman Clan.

But listening to this… Having to hear second-hand about his former friend and comrade? It was too much.

When the meeting ended, Lavi didn't bother waiting for Bookman. He left the room, hurrying down the elegantly decorated halls and back towards his quarters. His footsteps echoed in the hallway, the clipped sound only making his head pound harder.

"Hey, Red. What's your hurry?"

The voice sent a shiver down Lavi's spine and forced him to stop in his tracks. He hunched his shoulders and furrowed his eyebrows, turning to look at his addresser. With his mouth set in a straight, thin line, he glared at the Noah behind him. "What do you want, Tyki?"

Tyki shrugged, walking slowly towards Lavi with that annoying grin on his face. It made him want to slap it off, but Lavi knew it was pointless. He couldn't touch Tyki without his Innocence, and such an action would likely get back to Bookman, who would chastise him for losing his impartial stance.

"Just curious as to why you left so quickly. It was quite rude to the Earl, you know." He stopped just in front of Lavi, a scarce few inches of space between them.

"It's not my job to be polite. I'm just here to record." Lavi glared up at Tyki, keeping eye contact for a long moment before turning away. His golden gaze was too intense for him.

"Hmm," Tyki mumbled, tilting his head and resting a hand on his hip. "I suppose it can't be helped. If I were in your position, I wouldn't be too pleased either. I mean… We are going after your friend, yes? That boy – Allen Walker. It must be hard for you."

Lavi said nothing, clenching his fists at his sides and refusing to look at Tyki. He knew he was being baited, taunted. His body shook with anger. He couldn't forget that it was Tyki who almost killed Allen in China, and who continued to attack and kill other Exorcists. Those feelings… they weren't something he could just sweep under the rug and pretend didn't exist, no matter how much he wished he could.

His silence seemed to only spur on the Noah. "It must strike a nerve, knowing that your friend is one of us. Or at least, he will be soon." Tyki stared down at Lavi, the smirk on his face growing into a vicious smile. "Oh, sorry. I should've been more tactful. I suppose since you've abandoned the Black Order and are no longer an Exorcist, you and he aren't friends anymore. Such a pity."

"Shut up." The words left his lips before he could silence them. His teeth clenched tight, the migraine growing worse as he tensed up in anger.

"Oh? Did I strike a nerve? Sorry, Red. Didn't mean it." Tyki's voice was anything but remorseful, and the pleased look on his face only made the fire in Lavi's guts burn hotter.

"Leave me alone."

"I wish I could," Tyki replied, grinning down at the redhead. "I'm having way too much fun with you."

Tyki leaned down close to Lavi, his hot breath skimming over the redhead's neck as he whispered in his ear. "I just can't help myself. You're cute when you're mad."

That was it – the last thin string holding Lavi's calm together snapped. With a growl, he cocked his fist back and punched Tyki, throwing all his weight into the action. However, instead of hitting his jaw, Lavi phased right through the Noah, landing on the floor in a crumpled heap and skinning his knees and the palms of his hands on the rug. Ignoring the bite of pain, he twisted around and looked up at Tyki again, his glare intensifying. Just as he was about to jump up and try his luck again, even though he knew fighting physically was a lost cause, a firm hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Get off the floor," Bookman said, his nails digging into Lavi's shoulder in a silent warning.

His Master's stiff, unwavering presence sent a desperately needed jolt of reality back to Lavi's brain. He bit back a reply, standing up as instructed. His hands and knees still stung, but he ignored the pain, instead glaring back at Tyki.

Bookman ushered his apprentice down the hall, passing by the Noah with a polite bow of his head. "Excuse us. We have business to attend to."

Tyki grinned as Lavi was escorted away. "See you later, Red."

Bookman's grip on Lavi's arm tightened as they turned the corner. It wasn't until they were out of earshot that Bookman spoke up again. "You had better watch yourself or you're going to get hurt. We may have some sway as members of the Bookman Clan, but I can't get you out of trouble every time you lose your temper."

"I'm fine. I didn't need your help, old man." Lavi shoved his hands in his pockets, glaring at intricate design on the carpet as they hurried down the corridor and towards their quarters.

When they reached their room, Bookman all but tossed Lavi into it, slamming the door behind him. Lavi scrambled to keep from falling over as he was shoved, and caught his legs on the bedframe. Falling onto the mattress, he glared at Bookman.

"What was that for?!"

Without a word, Bookman marched over to the bed and hit Lavi across the back of the head. Lavi winced, grabbing his head in pain and folding over onto himself. The strike shocked him into silence – Bookman never had hit him that hard before.

"Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once." Bookman stared down Lavi, arms crossed over his chest and face set in a hard glare. "We're not Exorcists anymore. We never were to begin with. I know you're having trouble giving up your previous persona, and you still haven't used your new one, but whatever residual feelings you had for the Order need to be shed before you end up getting yourself killed."

Lavi sat up, still holding his head. When his vision cleared enough to look back at Bookman, he saw how serious the old man was. "It's not that easy."

"Of course it's not. If it were easy, any fool could do it." Bookman watched him with wary eyes, the wrinkles in his face deepening with worry. "Forget about the Order. Forget about "Lavi." Until you can control yourself enough to ease into a new persona, you're Junior. "Lavi" doesn't exist anymore."

Lavi's hand tightened in his hair, and he forced himself to look away from Bookman. He knew he was right. This was how they'd lived for years now. Just because he spent too much time in persona forty-nine didn't mean he could bend the rules and stay as that person. Yet… even though he knew it – knew that he needed to move on – something in his heart held him back.

Bookman continued when Lavi refused to speak. "I bent the rules and gave the Noah information to keep you alive, Junior. At my age, I can't afford to lose you and train another apprentice. So, mind yourself and hold your tongue. These Noah won't hesitate to kill you if given the chance. Understood?"

Lavi swallowed down the lump in his throat, still refusing to meet Bookman's dark stare. "Yes."

"Good." Bookman walked over to his desk and sat down. He opened a large book, settling down to work. "By the way, I'll be leaving you here for a while. I have business to attend to."

This caught Lavi's attention, bringing him out of his melancholy. "Business? Where?"

"Paris. I'm traveling along with a few of the Noah to record. I need you here in case something happens." He pulled out a pen, dipping the tip in the inkwell before scribbling on the pages. "Besides, I don't think you're fit for field work yet. Not until you can exhibit at least a modicum of control over yourself."

The slight stung, but Lavi tried to brush it off. He couldn't exactly argue his level-headedness when he had tried to punch Tyki in the face not more than ten minutes ago. "Fine. I'll be on my best behavior while you're gone."

"You best be. If I return and find you've gotten yourself in a mess, I might kill you myself."

Lavi managed a laugh, though it was short and mirthless. "Geez, old man. I didn't know you cared that much."

Bookman didn't even bother to look up from his work as he chastised Lavi. "Enough lip. Get to work on those books I gave you yesterday. They won't translate themselves."

"Right. I'm on it," Lavi said, walking over to his own desk at the far end of the room. Sitting down in the chair, he sighed. He could do better – he had to. If he didn't, he wasn't sure he'd make it to his next persona intact.

xXxXxXx

Lavi cursed, holding his face as he slammed the bathroom door behind him. Blood oozed from between his fingers staining his shirt as he rushed over to the sink. Wincing, he pulled his hand away and looked at the wound. His lip was cut deep, having caught on his teeth after one of the twins sucker punched him. There was a deep gash in his forehead from where he had grazed the corner of the table, but he focused on his lip instead. It was bleeding more, anyway.

Bookman had been gone for weeks, nearly a month by Lavi's count. He sent a few letters, checking in and letting him know he was fine, but with each passing day, Lavi grew more and more anxious. Without Bookman's constant, grounding presence, Lavi found himself spiraling further out of control. His temper had been worse than normal, which earned him a few well-deserved beatings. This time, the twin Noahs had caught him working in the library, and roughed him up after a few rude comments were tossed back and forth.

The worst part was that he felt like he deserved it. Even after Bookman's lecture, he couldn't shake "Lavi." If anything, he felt more like Lavi than he ever had before, and being in the presence of the Noah only strengthened that mind-set. Lavi felt himself reaching for his hammer more often than not, only to find his hip devoid of the weapon he had lost months ago. All the fights he'd started and the beatings he took felt like well-deserved punishment for betraying his friends and the Black Order.

Grabbing a towel off the bar near the sink, Lavi turned on the faucet and wet it down before pressing the cool cloth to his mouth. He moaned softly, the relief on his stinging, sore flesh easing his mind for one blessed moment. He closed his eye and sighed, waiting for the blood to stop flowing.

"They got you good, didn't they?"

The question jerked Lavi out of his brief moment of peace, and he spun around to find Tyki standing behind him with that damned amused smirk on his face.

"I locked the door for a reason, you know." Lavi turned away from him, though he could still see him in the mirror's reflection. Lavi focused on cleaning his face, rinsing the blood from the towel and reapplying it to his lip.

Tyki walked up behind Lavi, closing the distance between them. "I've never really found locks to be that effective."

"You wouldn't."

With a chuckle, Tyki peered at Lavi through the mirror's reflection. "That looks like a pretty nasty cut."

"I didn't ask you," Lavi sniped back, keeping his focus on the task at hand.

"Touchy. No wonder you're getting into fights every other day. You're just a peach, aren't you?"

The words stung more than his lip at the moment, and Lavi winced as he adjusted the towel on his face. "Please, just leave me alone. I don't want to deal with you right now."

"Please? What is this polite tone? Where's my favorite pissy redhead and where have you put him?" Tyki pressed his hands over his chest in mock-surprise, gasping for added effect.

Lavi leveled his gaze at Tyki through the mirror, but said nothing in response. No matter what he said or did, Tyki always had a witty reply on the tip of his tongue. The more he spoke with him, the more frustrated Lavi felt.

When he received no reply, Tyki reached out and took the towel from his hand. Lavi was so surprised at the action, that he simply stared at Tyki as he cleaned it again and pressed the cool cloth to his forehead.

"You should be more worried about this cut than your lip. You know, two inches to the right and you might've been knocked out — concussed or worse." Tyki methodically cleaned the wound, unfazed by the incredulous look Lavi gave him.

"What are you doing?" Lavi finally asked, staring at Tyki with shocked contempt.

"What does it look like? I'm helping you."

" _Why_?"

Tyki chuckled, cleaning the blood from the towel again. "You sure ask a lot of questions, Red."

"I'm a Bookman. It's my job. And that is not my name — stop calling me that."

"Oh? And what should I call you, then? Lavi? That's what your friends used to call you, isn't it?"

The last remark stung worse than the rest, and Lavi ripped the towel from Tyki's grip. He glared at the Noah, pleased at the shocked look on his face. "You don't get to use that name. You'll call me Junior, and _nothing else_."

It took a moment for the shock to wear off Tyki's face, but when it did, he simply smirked. The grin irked Lavi more than usual. "That's boring. I'm sticking with Red."

Lavi rinsed the towel once more, squeezing the fabric tight as he clenched his jaw and tried to avoid getting into another fight. "Fine. Whatever. I don't care. Just leave me alone."

Finally taking the hint, Tyki moved away from Lavi and headed towards the door. "The sooner you accept how things are, the sooner you can stop moping about like a child. You can't change your situation, so you might as well make the best of it."

"I didn't ask for your advice," Lavi said, glaring back at Tyki through the mirror's reflection.

"No, but you'd better take it. One day, you're going to piss off the wrong person, and they won't be as easy on you as Jasdevi was." With that, he phased through the bathroom door, leaving Lavi alone.

Lavi glared at the door, as if his anger could seep through the wood and hit the Noah right in the face. No matter how many times Tyki bothered him, he never got used to it. His fury burned like a hot ball of lead in his guts, searing his flesh and eating away at his insides. He couldn't stand the feeling, and it drove him even madder when he refused to fight back. Tyki seemed intent on simply goading him, then running off — leaving Lavi stymied and frustrated. Just once he wanted to deck that asshole and knock him down a peg or two.

After a long moment of glaring at the rough wood grain on the door, he turned back to the sink and washed his face, the cold water stinging his wounds. The icy bite distracted him enough to clear his thoughts, cooling the burning hatred in his chest. He hoped Bookman would be back soon — he didn't know how much more of this he could take.

xXxXxXx

He should've taken Tyki's advice.

Another week had passed, with no sign of Bookman returning. Lavi hadn't strayed from his path of self-destruction. If anything, he'd gotten worse. It was the reason he was left for dead, half-conscious and bleeding out on the expensive Persian rug in the hallway, staining the intricate design.

Lavi stared out across the floor, studying the filigree on the baseboards. He couldn't move, and his breaths came out in erratic, rattled gasps. He should've known better than to talk back to Sheryl, but all thoughts of self-preservation had been lost on him for weeks now.

After a few nasty comments thrown at the Noah, Sheryl had used his powers to toss Lavi around the corridor like a ragdoll, leaving him bruised and broken on the floor. Every breath felt like fire in his chest, and Lavi was certain he'd at least bruised a few ribs, if not broken them. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth, and he knew he'd hit his head too hard on the wall to not have caused some damage. His vision blurred and darkened, and Lavi idly wondered if he'd wake up after passing out. Part of him hoped he wouldn't, that things would finally end.

Then, hands were on him, carefully touching his head and checking over his wounds. Lavi closed his eye and groaned at the intrusion. He just wanted to die in peace. Using some of the last bit of energy he had, Lavi took a breath and groaned out, "Leave me alone." Even though he knew he was injured, the raspy sound of his own voice shocked him.

He heard a smooth chuckle echo in the empty hallway, and the hands on him refused to pull away. "Stubborn ass."

Lavi recognized the voice as Tyki's and let out another groan. He tried to push the hands away from him, but he could barely lift his arms. "Don't you have anything better to do than bother me?" Each whispered word sent a wave of pain through his chest, but he spat them out anyway.

"Don't you have anything better to do than let yourself be a punching bag?" Tyki adjusted Lavi's body, flipping him on his back before slipping his arms under Lavi and lifting him off the floor.

Lavi winced, each jostled movement sending painful tremors through his sore body. "What are you doing?!" He pushed at Tyki, hoping to get away, but his limbs felt like limp noodles – useless and weak.

"How many times are we going to go over this? I'm _helping_ you. You're a Bookman – I thought you were smart?" Tyki lifted Lavi then, hoisting him up off the ground and groaning. "Damn, you're heavier than you look."

"Just leave me. I want to die," Lavi mumbled, his face pressed up against Tyki's chest. Even though his words were harsh, he relaxed in Tyki's grip. When was the last time someone touched him like this? Held him? He couldn't remember… And even though he hated Tyki, despised him for what he'd done to his friends, Lavi couldn't deny the warm feeling wrapped around his body at another's touch.

"Oh, shut up. Stop being such a baby," Tyki said as he walked down the hallway. He sounded exasperated as he adjusted his grip on Lavi's limp form.

Lavi wanted to snap back another retort, and even had one ready on his tongue, but the pain that riddled his body and ached deep in his bones was too much. He passed out in Tyki's arms.

xXxXxXx

Something smelled good, like pears and cinnamon and freshly baked bread. Lavi sighed, trying to roll over on his side, but a wave of pain forced him still. He winced and clenched his teeth as consciousness came back to him like a brick to the face.

When he opened his eye he noticed right away that he wasn't in his own room. It was much too big, with a high ceiling and a large picture window letting in soft afternoon light through the sheer curtains. The bed was too large as well, four posts and adorned with elegant, soft bedsheets. On the nightstand next to him, he saw a platter of food, fresh baked bread, sliced fruit, and a cup of something still steaming hot.

Ignoring the pain in his chest and limbs, Lavi pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked down. He was littered with bandages, the white gauze wrapped tightly around his midsection and covering the scrapes and cuts he'd sustained on his arms. His clothes were gone, and he was left naked under the blankets. His cheeks flushed at the realization and he pulled the sheets closer, attempting to keep himself covered.

"Don't bother. I've already seen everything," Tyki said abruptly, walking into the main room and sitting on the edge of the bed as if it were natural. He grinned at Lavi. "And trust me, you have nothing to hide."

"What are you doing here?" Lavi asked, tugging the sheets closer to himself. He grimaced as a wave of dizziness came over him, and he clutched at his head and waited until it passed.

"Well, technically, this is my room. I don't usually stay here. It's a too fancy for my tastes." Tyki waved his hand as if dismissing the elegant trappings of the bedroom. "I figured it'd be the best place to take you."

"Really? And how did you come to that conclusion?" Lavi glared, still trying to keep himself steady and upright.

"Your room was the first place the others would look for you. They'd never suspect you here. And considering how pissed off my brother is at you, I figured it'd be in your best interests to hide here for a few days. He might've tried to finish what you started."

"Days?! How long have I been asleep?" Lavi panicked and looked around the room, as if he could judge the passage of time by his surroundings.

"Nearly two days. Sheryl fucked you up pretty bad. What did you say to him, even?"

Lavi had to think back on his words, then snickered at the memory. "I insulted his clothes. It didn't take much."

"You really do have a death wish," Tyki commented, reaching out to grab the tray of food. "You should probably eat something, or you might actually succeed."

Lavi looked at the platter, his mouth already watering at the smell of the meal before him. Still, he hesitated. "Why are you doing this?" His voice rang with confusion and exhaustion as he sat frozen on the bed, refusing to look up at Tyki. "Why are you helping me? Why are you being _nice_ to me?"

With a sigh, Tyki shrugged. "Why not? Do you know how dull it is around here? You're the most interesting thing in this whole mansion, especially since I've been stuck here lately, waiting for something to do. If you keeled over, I'd be bored out of my skull."

Lavi's eyebrows narrowed as he shifted his gaze back at Tyki. "That's your answer? You're bored?" He scoffed and scooted himself further away from Tyki, putting what little distance between them that he could. "Pathetic."

"Well, that and you're cute," Tyki added, raising his eyebrows suggestively. "And I would think that your little stunt a few days ago would count as far more pathetic than me using you as a distraction from my boredom."

"Shut up," Lavi snapped, his shoulders tensing up and aching from disuse. "Go find someone else to annoy. I don't have time for your shit right now."

"Actually, you have all the time in the world." Tyki handed him the hot drink, a smug smile on his face. "You've got a couple bruised ribs. Getting out of that bed without help will prove to be quite the challenge. I suggest you stay here and eat while you can – and enjoy my charming company."

He wanted to deny it, scream back at Tyki that he was fine and didn't need to be coddled, but the ache in his chest reminded him how wrong he was. Every movement sent waves of pain radiating through his limbs, and he couldn't deny that Tyki was right. He needed to rest and get well. He sat there for a long moment, quietly stewing, before grabbing the offered drink of out Tyki's hand. "Your company is anything but charming," Lavi took a cursory sip of the hot liquid, finding it to be tea. He drank it down, the warmth filling his body. He hadn't noticed how cold his limbs were until just then.

Tyki hummed in amusement as he pushed the plate closer to Lavi before standing up. "If I were you, I'd eat as much as you can. You need to get your strength back."

Lavi continued to drink, trying his best to ignore Tyki's ramblings. Then, he felt it, the gentle press of lips on his forehead, just above his eyebrow and against a minor cut that hadn't been bandaged. He jerked away, glaring at Tyki, though the intensity of his look was marred as a blush spread over his face. "What the hell was that for?!"

When Tyki pulled away, a sly grin graced his dark features. "Come on, Red. Don't you know that if you kiss a wound, the pain will go away? Didn't your mother ever teach you anything?" He tsk'ed him, then turned away, walking towards the door. "I ran out of bandages in my bathroom, so I'm going to look for more. Don't run off, now."

Lavi squeezed the mug in his hand until the warm ceramic burned his skin. He watched as Tyki disappeared through the wall, not bothering to use the door properly. His stomach twisted and turned as he still flushed hotly with embarrassment. He didn't like the feeling burning in his guts, or the way Tyki looked at him. Nothing good could come of it.

xXxXxXx

It took nearly three weeks for Lavi to feel well enough to get around on his own without pain, just in time for Bookman to return from his assignment.

Once he had found the strength to stand, he had ditched Tyki and hid in his own room, not wanting to be in the Noah's presence any more than necessary. Something about that asshole left Lavi flustered and nervous. He didn't like it, or the confusion that it brought up in his mind. He kept to his room after that, only leaving long enough to restock his supply of food or to record important events. If he ran into any of the Noah after that, he ignored their presence, ducking into other halls or rooms when he could, or avoiding eye contact if given no other choice.

Tyki had attempted to bother him more than anyone else, and Lavi had managed to avoid him so far. He had tried to find him in the kitchens, hallways, library – anywhere that the redhead frequented. But Lavi remained elusive, keeping just out of reach. And even though Tyki could've easily phased through the walls and into his room, he never attempted it. Lavi tried not to think on it for too long, realizing that no matter what Tyki did, he wasn't going to understand his reasoning.

But Bookman's return was a welcome relief. Lavi could already feel the anxiety that had built up over the weeks finally melting away. He no longer had to deal with the Noah and their eccentric leader on his own.

With a genuine grin, he watched as Bookman entered their room, dropping his travel pack on the ground near his bed. "Finally back, old man? Took you long enough."

Bookman said nothing, his face set hard and stern as he moved to unpack his belongings. Lavi watched him curiously, confused by the unusually stiff attitude. He had been reclining on the bed and reading, but sat up at his Master's return. Closing his book, Lavi focused on Bookman, waiting for him to say something. When the room remained silent, Lavi spoke up.

"What? Too exhausted from traveling to talk to me? I guess you're getting older than you thi—"

"I saw Allen Walker."

Bookman's words froze Lavi in place, as if ice had covered his body from head to toe – he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and everything hurt. Bookman never told Lavi exactly what he had gone on assignment for, and now he knew why he had been left behind. Bookman knew Lavi couldn't handle it, that if there was anything he was not impartial about, it was Allen Walker.

Turning towards his apprentice, Bookman looked over Lavi with an expressionless face. "The Noah I traveled with were following him. That was what took so long."

Lavi tried to swallow, but his mouth had dried up. His hands clenched at the bedsheets under him as he fought to regain control of his voice. Silence stretched out between them for minutes until Lavi managed to speak again. "…What happened?"

Bookman reached into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it as he avoided Lavi's gaze. "Walker's on the run from both the Black Order and the Noah. Though, he's as slippery as an eel, if nothing else. It took weeks to track him down. The Noah were trying to capture him, but it didn't work out." He took a long drag, the stench of tobacco filling the room. After a long moment, Bookman continued. "Though, I suppose referring to him as Allen Walker now is a misnomer. The 14th has completely taken over his body. I doubt there's even a trace of him left after the transformation."

The news hit Lavi like a train, his entire body going numb as Bookman spoke. He closed his eye, trying to regain some feeling, some sense of self, but all he could think of was Allen and that he was _gone._ He didn't want to believe it. All this time sitting in this damn mansion and making records was nothing but a waste. He should've been with them — with _Allen_. He could've done something! He could've _helped him_. The guilt hung around his neck like a noose; tight, suffocating, scratching at his skin until it was raw and bleeding. God, he _couldn't breathe_. He couldn't —

Without a word, Lavi stood up and left the bedroom, not even bothering to close the door behind him. Bookman called out his name, but the sound was too muffled and faint for Lavi to even register it. He felt like he had cotton in his ears and a veil over his body. He could hear and see and touch, but all those senses were muted now. Buffered. With his brain on auto-pilot, he stumbled down the empty hallways and away from Bookman. He couldn't pretend to be fine anymore, and if he heard one more lecture about staying impartial, he doubted he could stop his temper from flaring.

Lavi wasn't sure where he had run to, not paying attention to his path. But when he hit the end of the hallway and found a large window with the shades drawn back, he stopped and pressed his palms against the windowsill. The sun had set hours ago and the stars were bright and shining, unmarred by clouds — the perfect night. Lavi tried to catch his breath and pushed his forehead against the cool glass just to feel s _omething_. His breath fogged the pane as he closed his eye and tried to control his spiraling thoughts.

 _Allen's not gone; he can't be gone._

 _He's too strong for that, too stubborn. He wouldn't give in without a fight._

 _But hadn't he already been fighting for too long?_

 _This was inevitable. He couldn't keep his Noah from surfacing forever._

 _It's not fair._

 _I didn't—_

 _I didn't even get to say goodbye._

Lavi crumpled against the windowsill, his legs giving out as his body slid down. Tears welled up in his good eye, spilling over lashes and soaking into the sleeves of his shirt. He buried his face into his folded arms and shook with silent sobs.

He wasn't sure how long he had sat there, it could've been hours for how skewed his perception was, but either way, it was too soon to hear that damned familiar voice and chuckle behind him. It made his limbs stiffen and the hair on the back of his neck stand at attention.

"Oh, Red? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be hiding in your room and scribbling away at those books you're always working on?"

The sound of Tyki's voice felt like nails on a chalkboard. His numbed senses switched gears, becoming hyper-aware. Every sound grated his ears, and everything he touched felt like sandpaper. Lavi couldn't deal with him right now — he couldn't deal with _anything_. Gripping the window sill, he grit his teeth and refused to turn as he addressed him. "Go _away_ , Tyki."

Instead of listening, Tyki moved closer. "So hostile. What has you so irritated?"

Lavi said nothing in return, and pressed his face harder into his crossed arms — as if he could make the Noah disappear just by willing it.

However, Tyki took the silence as an invitation to continue prodding him. "Mmm, it must be something pretty important to have you this riled up. C'mon now, Red. Spill. Tell me what's got your knickers in a knot."

"Don't you have anything better to do than constantly harass me?" Lavi asked, shooting a glare over his shoulder.

"Not really." Tyki smiled, charming and sadistic all rolled into one smirk handsome smirk. Lavi had to look away.

Standing up, Lavi hoped to escape from the questions. "Well, find someone else to bother. I'm done with your shit."

"Oh, touchy. Something must've struck a nerve. Let's see…" Tyki tapped his chin with a finger, looking up at the ceiling. "My first thought is that you'd gotten into another fight, but you're not nearly bloody enough."

Lavi winced at the suggestion, but said nothing and started walking down the hall. He didn't pay attention to the direction he was taking, but it didn't matter. He just wanted to get away from Tyki.

Unfortunately, Tyki followed.

"Bookman returned today with the others, not long ago, if I'm not mistaken. Ah, perhaps he brought you bad news, hm?"

"Shut up."

Tyki grinned, keeping up even as Lavi's pace quickened. "Maybe something about your precious friends in the Black Order?"

"Do you ever stop talking?"

"Though," Tyki continued, unaffected by Lavi's rising temper. "They were looking for someone very specific on their mission—"

Lavi's fists clenched at his sides as he continued walking. "Say one more word, and I swear, I'll deck you."

"That boy, Allen Walker."

True to his word, Lavi spun on his heel and shot his fist straight for Tyki's face. However, he hadn't learned from the first time, and once again he phased right through the Noah's body. He kept on his feet, but his frustrations only grew. Turning around, he tried again and again, but no matter what, he missed. Tyki didn't even bother to dodge — he didn't have to. And that annoying smirk never left his face.

Tyki chuckled and shook his head at Lavi's attempts to strike him. "You're the worst Bookman, Red. Honestly."

"What do you know about it?!" Lavi snapped, stopping to catch his breath after his outburst. His skin flushed from the exertion of trying to hit something that just _wasn't_ there as the glared up at Tyki.

"I know more than you think." Tyki walked closer, eyeing Lavi with a predatory grin. "The Noah have had dealings with the Bookman clan before, and you are different than the others. Bookman aren't supposed to have ties to anything, and yet you refuse to break your ties to those Exorcists. Seems pretty detrimental to your status as a Bookman in training."

"I don't need advice from _you._ Leave me alone." Lavi stood his ground this time, but refused to meet Tyki's intense stare. His stomach clenched tight, the anxiety and anger burning a hole right through him.

"I think the last thing you need is to be left alone," Tyki said, moving closer. Reaching out, he touched Lavi's cheek, the warmth startling the redhead out of his own thoughts.

Lavi jerked away from Tyki's hand glaring back at him. "Don't touch me."

Tyki laughed, amused by Lavi's ire. "No? How about this then?" He reached out to touch him again, but instead phased through Lavi's head as he used his powers to avoid actual contact.

"Stop it!" Lavi moved away again, his face burning with frustration and anger.

Dropping the teasing tone, Tyki spoke up once more. "Lavi, you're not part of the Black Order anymore. You're not an Exorcist. You never were."

The words sliced through his heart like a knife, sharp and jagged. Lavi knew it — he couldn't avoid it anymore. Turning away from Tyki, he took a deep breath and tried to calm the pounding in his chest. It echoed in his ears and stole away his thoughts and emotions until nothing remained but guilt and regret. He wanted to go back to the Order, to his friends, but he couldn't. Tyki was right — he had never been an Exorcist. He had only been a Bookman wearing the mask of "Lavi" to record history. Nothing more.

But even that truth didn't keep his heart from aching or the guilt from burning in his veins.

When Lavi didn't speak up, Tyki moved closer. He rested his hands on Lavi's shoulders and leaned in close, whispering into his ear. "You need to forget about them. If you don't let it go, you'll get yourself killed."

The warm breath on his neck left Lavi shivering, and Tyki's touch was too gentle. It took him a moment to realize his position once more. He shrugged his shoulders and faced the Noah, though his dismissal of Tyki had lost its venomous bite. "How am I supposed to do that when it's all I can think about?!" Lavi's words sounded less menacing as his voice wavered. His green eye misted up with unshed tears.

Tyki raised his eyebrows, watching Lavi with surprise. Silence stretched between them, and the only sound was Lavi's breath as he desperately tried to keep from crying.

"It sounds to me like you need a distraction."

Lavi scoffed, wiping at his good eye discretely. "Yeah? And what exactly do you propo—" Caught completely off guard, Lavi felt Tyki's lips on his own, cutting off his question. He stiffened as Tyki held him, the kiss leaving his brain numb and empty for what seemed like the first time in months. It was a long moment before he had the sense to push Tyki away.

Lavi held a hand over his mouth, as if his lips had been burned by the contact. He was caught between a frustrating mix of surprised, furious, and aroused. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Tyki only smiled and shrugged. "Distracting you. Did it work?"

Lavi opened his mouth to protest, but the words wouldn't form. He just stared back at Tyki, unable to deny that, yes, the kiss _did_ distract him. Even worse was the relief he'd felt. His mind had gone completely blank from it. He hadn't thought about anything but the lips on his own, or the way Tyki held his body — gentle and firm. He didn't think any of the Noah had an ounce of compassion in them, but the way Tyki touched him made Lavi second guess himself.

He took too long to answer, or maybe it was the hesitation on his face — either way, Tyki closed in on him once more. One hand slipped behind Lavi's neck and pulled him closer. He could see Tyki's mouth moving to his again, and the rush of panic welled up in his chest.

"W-Wait." Lavi stiffened up, but didn't shrink away. He swallowed, trying to think of an excuse, anything to knock some sense into them both. However, his mind came up blank. "We…We shouldn't."

"Why not?" Tyki asked, keeping close to the redhead. "I can distract you from your troubles and you can distract me from my boredom. What better reason is there?"

Lavi tried to find a reason to deny the claim, but as his mind ticked through all the possible responses, Tyki took the opportunity to kiss Lavi again. His mind went blissfully blank, and he closed his eye against the feeling. His muscles relaxed and he leaned into Tyki, exhaling through his nose as he reached out and grabbed at his muscled arms.

This was wrong — he knew it. But after the weeks and weeks of self-flagellation, guilt, and anger eating away at his insides, having someone touch him like he wasn't the most despicable creature in existence felt good. _Too good_. Even though Tyki had hurt him and his friends, even though they were once enemies, Lavi couldn't pull himself away. He kissed him like a dying man in the desert drank down his first gulp of water. Tyki was his oasis in the desert, his life raft on the turbulent ocean, his shelter in the storm. Even though the rest of his life had been flipped upside down, torn to ribbons, and left broken, this was something he could hold onto. As depraved as it felt, Lavi ignored the dangers and sunk his teeth into this mistake. He need a distraction.

He needed to forget.

Tyki deepened the kiss when Lavi didn't resist, his tongue diving into the redhead's mouth and claiming it for his own. The heat between them increased against the chilled night air, and Lavi clung to Tyki's form to keep steady on his feet. After a long moment, Lavi felt a shift, his feet moving backwards until his shoulders collided with the wall. Tyki pressed himself up against Lavi, leaving no room between their bodies.

A soft moan reverberated in Lavi's throat and a chill ran up his spine. Tyki's hands roamed over his body, pulling, tugging, and pinching at his clothed skin. Each touch helped to clear his mind of pesky thoughts, and Lavi fell into the sensations, desperate to stop himself from thinking. He needed more distractions. _More_.

Tyki broke off their kiss with a gasp for air, but their parting only lasted for a second before he attached his lips to Lavi's neck, kissing and sucking and biting feverishly. Lavi bit his own lip to keep from crying out. He didn't want anyone to catch them in such a compromising situation. His hands slipped up into Tyki's dark, curly hair, gripping the strands tight and pulling hard. The action earned him a low growl from Tyki, his hips bucking into Lavi's with insistence. Lavi gasped as he felt the hardness straining in his own pants grind up against Tyki's.

Lavi heard and felt Tyki chuckling against his neck, then a hand slipped down the front of his pants to stroke him with rough, callused fingers. Lavi gasped at the intrusion, not expecting it so suddenly.

"Not five minutes ago you were telling me not to touch you. Where are your protests now, Red?" Tyki teased, running his thumb over the tip of Lavi's cock. The drop of pre-cum smeared over the skin and Lavi felt his knees buckle. He would've collapsed had Tyki not pinned him so well against the wall.

"S-Shut up," Lavi managed to stutter out, any witty replies lost with the rest of his thoughts as he slipped further into ecstasy. Another moan slipped past his lips and he pressed his face into Tyki's shoulder to muffle it.

After another teasing touch, Tyki removed his hand from Lavi's pants, then grabbed the front of his shirt. He tugged Lavi back down the hall, not saying anything.

Lavi's head was still filled with haze, the fleeting touches consuming his mind. He was too focused on wanting more to notice where they were going. After a few twists and turns, he found himself being pulled through a familiar door and thrown onto a neatly made bed. Staring at the ceiling, it took Lavi only a second to realize that Tyki took him to his room, the same as he had when Lavi had been beaten to near-death by Sheryl weeks ago. He didn't have long to muse on the change of venue before Tyki climbed on top of him, capturing his lips in another fierce kiss.

Groaning into the kiss, Lavi melted back into the sheets as his arms wrapped around Tyki's midsection. He felt Tyki spread his legs, slipping between them as they continued to kiss, biting and licking each other's lips. When Tyki's hips lined up with Lavi's, he felt the pressure of their mutual arousals rubbing together against the confines of their pants. Lavi's legs hitched up around Tyki, fighting to gain more traction as they rubbed against one another.

Lavi's hand found its way into Tyki's hair once more, and he pulled it hard, fingers clenching around the strands. Tyki grunted, then moved back to bite at Lavi's neck, leaving an array of bruises against his freckled skin. Lavi arched up into him after a particularly harsh bite, a gasp escaping his mouth.

"Damn," Tyki groaned out, then gazed down into Lavi's face. Even with a faint sheen of sweat on his brow, he still had that damned smirk on his lips. "You're more excitable than I thought you'd be."

Lavi let out a frustrated groan, glaring up at Tyki. "Don't you ever stop talking?"

"Give me a reason to."

That damned arrogant smirk did Lavi in. Reaching up, he grabbed onto the front of Tyki's shirt and yanked him down for another forceful kiss. Lavi's lips ticked up in a satisfied smile when he heard Tyki's lustful groan. While their mouths were busy, Lavi ripped at Tyki's shirt, yanking the buttoned front open and smoothing his hands over the rough, scarred planes of his chest.

Tyki seemed amenable to this course of action, shirking off his shirt once Lavi had opened the front, then breaking off their kiss to work on Lavi's own clothing. He made quick work the redhead's shirts, yanking them off and tossing them to the floor. He then kicked off his own shoes and tugged at Lavi's boots after. As Tyki worked on their footwear, Lavi sat up and undid Tyki's pants. His hair was already frazzled, and his hands trembled as they worked the fabric open.

Before Lavi could undo his pants completely, Tyki pushed him back down. His head hit the pillows and he watched Tyki with a half-lidded eye as he undid Lavi's pants. Without shame, he pulled them halfway down his thighs, then crawled back over the redhead. He kissed Lavi once more as his hand snaked down to curl around his dick and pumped him with a firm, even pace.

"Oh, God," Lavi moaned out, his eye rolling back as he arched his hips into Tyki's touch, his stomach already clenched tight in ecstasy.

Tyki kissed over Lavi's jaw, moving to his ear and sucking on the pierced lobe. He rolled the hooped earring over his tongue and hummed, an amused grin spreading over his face. He worked his hand faster, listening to the lust-filled moans emanating from the redhead.

Lavi panted, his skin flushed and body trembling with excitement. Every touch helped distract him from his thoughts, clearing his mind and filling it with nothing but pleasure. He needed this — needed Tyki to keep touching him.

"More, please…" Lavi gasped out, no longer caring that he was begging Tyki to continue. His pride and better judgment had taken a backseat. All he cared about in that moment was forgetting everything.

If Tyki could help him forget, then it was worth it. Lavi would let him do anything he wanted.

Chuckling, Tyki smirked down at Lavi and sat up right. "Turn over."

The words were a command, and Lavi complied, rolling onto his stomach. Tyki grabbed Lavi's hips, pulling his ass up and flush against Tyki's pelvis as he knelt behind him. Lavi moaned at the action, already feeling the hardness lined up against his backside.

Tyki pulled his pants down until they settled around his knees. His dick was already slick with precum, hard and throbbing. Without hesitation or preparation, Tyki plunged himself into Lavi's tight hole.

Lavi cried out, the pain radiating through his hips and backside at the intrusion. Gripping the blankets under him, he clenched his jaw and fought back the noises that tried to escape his throat. He knew Tyki wouldn't go easy on him, but the pain was more than he had expected. Tyki only gave him a short movement to get accustomed to the feeling before he started moving his hips.

Tears prickled at the corner of Lavi's eye as he pressed his face into the pillow to muffle his voice. Each thrust left him moaning, the burning pain aching in his backside. Tyki's fingers dug into his hips, pressing himself deeper into the redhead with each pass.

Tyki grunted after a particularly rough thrust and grinned down at Lavi's sweaty back. "Damn, I didn't think you'd feel this good."

Lavi opened his mouth, ready to toss back a sharp reply, when Tyki hit a spot deep inside him that left his knees weak and forced the air out of his lungs. Whatever Tyki had managed to hit, it felt so, _so_ good. With his head spinning, Lavi spread his legs further apart, pressing back against another thrust. This time, he moaned wantonly, his voice still muffled by the pillows.

After that, the pain Lavi had felt from earlier faded, replaced by a mind-numbingly hot feeling that coiled in his stomach and burned his veins. Arousal ached against his stomach, and he reached out to stroke himself as Tyki continued to work into him with an even, rhythmic pace. Between Tyki's rough thrusts and his own frantic movements to jerk himself off, Lavi couldn't tell which way was up. He lost himself in the barrage of feelings, pain and pleasure melting together until he couldn't tell one from the the other. It pushed his thoughts away until his mind was consumed by nothing but sex — desperate, rough sex.

Lavi gasped again, the sound turning into a long, lascivious moan. He stroked himself faster, running his thumb over the slick top of his cock as a shiver of delight coursed through his body.

"H-harder, Tyki. Harder," Lavi whined. That amazing knot in his stomach twisted tighter, ready to burst.

Tyki laughed, but the sound quickly turned into a groan. He did as Lavi asked, working his hips harder and faster, pushing in and out of Lavi with a furious pace. Lavi stiffened under the assault, Tyki managing to hit that sweet spot over and over again until Lavi was nothing more than a babbling mess underneath him. He whined and moaned and pleaded for more.

Lavi pumped his hand faster to keep up with Tyki's pace, desperate for release. They moved together, the room filling with the sounds of heavy breaths and the slap of wet skin on skin. The bed creaked under them, their frantic fucking forcing the furniture to sway and groan under their weight.

Finally, Lavi felt the bubble burst, his knotted stomach releasing with a wave of pleasure. He came hard, groaning as he plastered his stomach and the sheets with cum. His body shook with exhaustion, and if it weren't for Tyki's strong grip on his hips, he would've collapsed right there.

Tyki continued to pound into Lavi's ass, though he found completion not long after. He came with a shuddered gasp, bruising Lavi's hips as his fingers dug into his flesh. After a few more lazy thrusts to milk the last of the orgasm from him, Tyki let go of Lavi and slipped out, cum dribbling down the backs of Lavi's legs. Not bothered by the sticky mess, Tyki stretched out on the soiled bedsheets and pulled Lavi closer.

"You're not a bad lay, Red. Top five, definitely."

The words barely registered as Lavi laid against the damp bed, his head buzzing from the orgasmic high. His body felt like lead. He was sore, tender, and bruised, but at least his head was clear. The pleasure had been worth the pain. Lavi mumbled a non-committal response, closing his eye and relaxing against the bed with Tyki's warmth pressed up against his back.

Tyki ran a hand through Lavi's hair, the strands damp from their earlier exertion. Lavi sighed at the touch, the tension in his shoulders relaxing as he sunk into the mattress. He couldn't dwell on his actions — not when he finally found a sliver of peace in his soul, even if it was for one night.

As Tyki continued to caress the redhead's scalp, Lavi fell asleep.

xXxXxXx

When Lavi woke up, it was still dark, the room cast in shadows. He rubbed at his eye, clearing his vision before sitting up. Looking down, he found his pants had been pulled back up and fastened, even though his skin was still sticky. Some areas had dried to a white crust, flaking off when he moved. Looking behind him, he found Tyki still asleep, his arm loosely wrapped around Lavi's waist. Pulling himself free, he slipped off the bed to search for his clothes, wincing as he jostled his body too much. His ass and hips ached, but it wasn't as bad as he'd expected for such a rough encounter.

After he'd dressed, he cast one last look at Tyki's sleeping form before leaving the bedroom, closing the door as quietly as he could to keep from waking him.

The halls were empty, and when he reached his and Bookman's room, he hesitated, his hand hovering over the doorknob. He could see the faint light spilling out from under the door, and smell a hint of burning lamp oil. Swallowing down his apprehension, he opened the door and entered.

As he predicted, Bookman was at his desk, reading over a thick tome. His dark-lined eyes didn't look up at the intrusion. Lavi watched his Master for a short moment before grabbing his night clothes off the floor and heading to the bathroom. Just as he crossed the threshold and thought he was homefree, Bookman spoke up.

"Where did you run off to?" he asked, still keeping his gaze on the book.

Lavi flinched, glancing at Bookman before answering. "Nowhere." He moved into the bathroom, hoping to dissuade any further conversation. "I'm taking a bath before bed."

"Junior."

With a sigh, Lavi stopped and returned to the doorway, looking at Bookman with a frown on his face.

Bookman finally returned his apprentice's gaze. "I've told you before that it's dangerous here. Don't be stupid and run off like you did. You're going to get yourself hurt, or worse."

Lavi stared back at Bookman for a long moment, the numbness from earlier seeping into his limbs like an old friend. "I'm fine. I can take care of myself." With that, he disappeared behind the door and locked it.

The lamp in the bath burned low, leaving the room dim and dark. Even in the scant light, Lavi could see the bruises forming against his skin. He looked in the mirror and found his shoulders and neck decorated with black and red marks of various shapes and sizes. Tugging off his clothes, the same marks were on his hips, these ones all symmetrical. Lavi lined his own fingers up against them, shivering as the memory of Tyki's hands on his hips resurfaced.

Shaking his head, he drew a bath. As he waited for the tub to fill, Lavi avoided looking at his reflection in the mirror. The bruises and bites littering his skin only reminded him of his encounter with Tyki not more than a few hours ago. With his mind now in focus, he realized the mistake he'd made. Bookman was right. He _was_ being stupid, but in the heat of the moment, Lavi hadn't been able to stop himself from going along with Tyki and letting him have his body as if it were nothing more than a useless lump of flesh to be played with. He felt dirty. Used. Wrong.

Lavi slipped into the tub and sunk down into the scalding hot water, scrubbing at his skin with a washcloth and soap. Even after he scrubbed away the dried cum and sweat, he kept rubbing at his skin, turning the flesh red and raw from the friction. He had tried to use Tyki to stop thinking about the Order, but now he couldn't erase Tyki from his mind. Lavi scraped the washcloth harder on his tender neck, wincing at the pain as he hit one of the deeper bruises.

All he had wanted to do was forget. Why did it have to be so hard?


End file.
